BY BRODY TAYBACK JR.
Druleaze Press Corp.
Published: 12:09 p.m., Dec 27
esterday marked perhaps the climax of a movement that has been picking up steam over the last six months, as protestors stormed Capitol Hill. Shortly after pro-marijuana groups scored major victories in the push to legalize medical marijuana in 2012, another battle was waged in cities all across America. Various groups began sprouting up, and they all shared the same mission: to legalize medical crack cocaine. These advocates believe that crack cocaine has more health benefits than drawbacks, and that not enough research has been done on the drug in controlled settings.
Experts have notice a marked acceleration of the pro-crack movement, including well-known social commentator and blogger Lometrious “The Machete” Eisenberg. Eisenberg wrote a poignant editorial in the New York Times last Sunday titled “The United States of Crack”. The editorial piece blasted those in the medical profession that have contributed to the idea that crack cocaine is actually healthy for adults with normal immune systems. Several doctors have come forward and defended what many are calling the ‘healthy-crack’ argument.
Noted physician and author Rafael “Teabag” Littlefoot even testified before members of Congress that he had seen the benefits of the drug first-hand on a number of occasions. “Many of my patients experience increased levels of energy and excitement when on a strict crack regimen. I have seen bursts of energy that seem humanly impossible. One of my patients got so excited she ran right through my glass door and lifted up a Chevy Tahoe with her bare hands, she was 97 years young! Crack also has tremendous value as an appetite suppressant, I have patients that have lost hundreds of pounds on crack. They are having so much fun that they forget to eat. Crack is a miracle drug!” Dr. Littlefoot actually brought three of his patients to Washington, D.C. to testify with him, but they said that the Congressional hearing room was too cold and disappeared before they could be called to testify.
United States Senator Stillwater Thomas IIIHe often disappears for days at a time, usually at the beginning of the month. Some investigative journalists have attempted to make the case that every time the Senator goes missing it happens to be within minutes of getting his paycheck direct- deposited into his checking account.
Critics of this controversial movement call the idea “dangerous” and “misguided.” Opponents have formed a group aimed at reversing some of the clear momentum crack supporters have gained as of late. This opposition group is headed by long-term conservative legislator Frank “Third Leg” Franklin, (R-DE), and goes by the name CRAC (Citizens Rightfully Against Crackheads). The clever acronym was created by Congressman “Third Leg” himself when he toured an active crack den this past summer. While on his tour his windshield was cleaned with feces and urine-soiled newspaper and he reportedly turned down numerous sexual advances, from men and women alike.
We don’t know how this epic battle will end, but one thing is for sure: Crack is on America’s lips, minds, and hearts. Crack, affectionately called “Filet Mignon” by those that love it, has captivated a Nation. Chia Pets, The Backstreet Boys, Skinny Jeans, and now, Crack. The drug has placed itself on an elite list of phenomena that has swept America, it is now a National Treasure.
---Debuted in major cities in 1984, mainly in New York, Los Angeles, and Miami.
---Is often traded for various sexual favors, especially in smaller towns, especially within close proximity to railroad tracks, especially after 11:30 pm.
---Is also referred to on the street as hard, rock, work, iron, cavvy, base, yams, vegetables, peaches, apricots, pomegranates, grapes, beef jerky, Frisbees, aliens, dogs, squirrels, Oprah, or Scooby-Snacks.
---Causes euphoria, supreme confidence, loss of appetite, insomnia, intense scratching of the genital area, alertness, increased energy, ashy elbows and lips, pawning of relatives’ televisions, and paranoia.
----The high usually lasts from 5–10 minutes.
Celebrities That Endorse Medical Crack
Any of the Baldwin Brothers
(Especially Stephen Baldwin)
Contact Brody Tayback Jr. at firstname.lastname@example.org