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NATIONAL
Support mounts for
medical crack cocaine movement
BY BRODY TAYBACK JR.
Druleaze Press Corp.
Published: 12:09 p.m., Dec 27
Y
|
esterday marked perhaps the climax of a movement that has
been picking up steam over the last six months, as protestors stormed Capitol
Hill. Shortly after pro-marijuana groups scored major victories in the push to
legalize medical marijuana in 2012, another battle was waged in cities all across
America. Various groups began sprouting up, and they all shared the same
mission: to legalize medical crack cocaine. These advocates believe that crack
cocaine has more health benefits than drawbacks, and that not enough research
has been done on the drug in controlled settings.
Experts have notice a marked acceleration of the pro-crack
movement, including well-known social commentator and blogger Lometrious “The
Machete” Eisenberg. Eisenberg wrote a poignant editorial in the New York Times
last Sunday titled “The United States of Crack”. The editorial piece blasted
those in the medical profession that have contributed to the idea that crack
cocaine is actually healthy for adults with normal immune systems. Several
doctors have come forward and defended what many are calling the ‘healthy-crack’
argument.
Noted physician and author Rafael “Teabag” Littlefoot even testified
before members of Congress that he had seen the benefits of the drug first-hand
on a number of occasions. “Many of my patients experience increased levels of
energy and excitement when on a strict crack regimen. I have seen bursts of
energy that seem humanly impossible. One of my patients got so excited she ran
right through my glass door and lifted up a Chevy Tahoe with her bare hands, she
was 97 years young! Crack also has tremendous value as an appetite suppressant,
I have patients that have lost hundreds of pounds on crack. They are having so
much fun that they forget to eat. Crack is a miracle drug!” Dr. Littlefoot actually
brought three of his patients to Washington, D.C. to testify with him, but they
said that the Congressional hearing room was too cold and disappeared before
they could be called to testify.

United States Senator Stillwater Thomas IIIHe often disappears for days at a time, usually at the beginning of the month. Some investigative journalists have attempted to make the case that every time the Senator goes missing it happens to be within minutes of getting his paycheck direct- deposited into his checking account.
Critics of this controversial movement call the idea
“dangerous” and “misguided.” Opponents have formed a group aimed at reversing
some of the clear momentum crack supporters have gained as of late. This
opposition group is headed by long-term conservative legislator Frank “Third
Leg” Franklin, (R-DE), and goes by the name CRAC (Citizens Rightfully Against
Crackheads). The clever acronym was created by Congressman “Third Leg” himself
when he toured an active crack den this past summer. While on his tour his
windshield was cleaned with feces and urine-soiled newspaper and he reportedly
turned down numerous sexual advances, from men and women alike.
We don’t know how this epic battle will end, but one thing
is for sure: Crack is on America’s lips, minds, and hearts. Crack,
affectionately called “Filet Mignon” by those that love it, has captivated a
Nation. Chia Pets, The Backstreet Boys, Skinny Jeans, and now, Crack. The drug
has placed itself on an elite list of phenomena that has swept America, it is
now a National Treasure.
---Debuted in major cities in 1984, mainly in New York, Los
Angeles, and Miami.
---Is often traded for various sexual favors, especially in
smaller towns, especially within close proximity to railroad tracks, especially after 11:30 pm.
---Causes euphoria, supreme
confidence, loss of appetite, insomnia, intense scratching of the genital area,
alertness, increased energy, ashy elbows and lips, pawning of relatives’
televisions, and paranoia.
Celebrities That Endorse Medical Crack
Charlie Sheen
Flava-Flav
DMX
Lindsay Lohan
Bobby Brown
Any of the Baldwin Brothers
(Especially Stephen Baldwin)
Tyrone Bigguns
Daryl Strawberry